A word some might say is banded about these days, but if you suffer with it you’ll know that it pretty much affects everything you do or plan to do in your daily life.
The list of things that I worry about is ridiculous and to some people just seem so far fetched that you’d probably wonder how I put one foot in front of the other.
I worry about things I’ve been invited to, and events I’ve not even been invited to yet, I worry about driving somewhere new and if I’ll find it or if it will have adequate parking. I find myself anxious or worrying but sometimes I can’t even tell you why. It’s a consant battle, a battle I’m fully aware of but I can’t seem to pull myself out of.
I mostly mask it, that’s a talent in itself and most people reading this won’t even have picked up on it ever, because I’m mostly that girl who smiles through it and probably uses comedy and humour as my go to coping strategy.
For someone like me, I’ve had a ‘business brain’ for as long as I can remember, going back to charging my brother for ironing his clothes. I always have an idea on the go and my head is constantly whirring with about 10 other ideas at the same time. People joke about what am I selling this time but to me to even execute any ideas publically is a massive deal, but anxiety holds me back every single day. I taunt myself with what ifs and the most negative thoughts of what might happen rather than believing in myself and pushing my talents which could then be successes. If you have ever bought from me, shared a post, dropped a like or thought of someone who might like the product then you’ll never know how much these things mean.
I can’t do Avon because I’m too frightened to even post a book through someone’s door, I can’t Body Shop because the thought of having a party in someone’s home terrifies me, and as for doing lives not a chance. I’m qualified to spray tan but I don’t have the confidence to even buy my kit let alone spray tan someone. How I stood up day in day out in front of groups of kids is beyond me, every day I felt sick, every day I’d worry myself endlessly about things which would never even happen. But I had little choice, it was my job and had to do it because it paid the bills. I loved the one on ones and making a difference to those kids lives but groups of them filled me with dread. There’s girls on my social media that are smashing it with the businesses above, and I know some of them, they also suffer or have suffered at some point and girls I admire you, all of you. Maybe my time will come.
I don’t have a reason for writing this post, writing is mostly the best way I can express myself, maybe writing is my ‘meant to be’, I dunno. I just felt like I needed to say it.
BUT if you’ve ever felt any of the above or similar you’re not on your own. I don’t have an answer but sometimes just knowing you’re not crazy or at least the only crazy 🤪 then that’s enough!